January 9th, 2021

The big Ski Trip to Marmot Basin was approaching! I was aflutter with excitement since planning it with my roommates a few weeks prior. It was supposed to be that one thing to take me out of my slump, but then they cancelled.

It was my partner, my shinning light, who stepped up and said that he would be happy to take me on the trip instead. Though he hadn’t skied for a few decades, he led the way on all my favourite runs. We had the most beautiful silly lunch date, singing and eating roast beef sandwiches in the parking lot. He offered me all the frivolous joy and perfect companionship that I could ask. It was the happiest I had been in a very long time.

However once 1600 rolled around on our drive home, I again felt the “Concerta Crash”. My thoughts could have raced along side us on the highway, I picked apart everything my partner did and then flipped to criticizing myself. A heaviness took over, and I feared if this ski trip couldn’t restore my happiness, then what could?

I needed to be reminded that I only slept four hours, had barely eaten all day, and was rightfully exhausted from skiing. My partner reassured me that these feelings were completely reasonable.

But I still couldn’t silence the voice in my head, what if its not? What if the meds changed you? What if your happiness is fading away?

January 10th, 2022

Sleep: 2300-0700, nightmares. Rating: 5/10

Meals: Late breakfast, no lunch, ate leftover stir-fry for supper, and gorged on candys after. Exercise: Walked 7km at dog park.

Mood: Anxious/ depressed.

After my boyfriend recognized my moods were impacted by habits I began to track them. In doing this I notice my stress had sparked from nightmares that morning, and it impacted the rest of my day. With anxiety racking my ribcage, I attempted to mask it in the only way I knew, with preoccupation and emotional projections. My focus was that I slept in too late, overcooked the veggies for breakfast, and was inappropriately critical of my partner being “quiet.”

To be alone with these feelings is one thing. But with two this anxiety surges back and forth, until the energy is pressing on aching temples and shaking walls. Feeling encapsulated, we escaped to the dog park. The line ups for parking seemed endless, the weather was freezing and our gloves were forgotten. I spent the entire time worrying if my partner was too cold or upset, since he wasn’t talking as much as I rambled.

The journey was deemed unsuccessful, so we ended it with our favourite shows to lighten the mood. But I went to sleep feeling very much the same as I awoke. I let my bad morning set the pace for my entire day. I revelled in the misery, digging deeper and deeper, until I fell into the very pit of my own creation.

January 11th, 2022

Sleep: 2300-0830, had strange throwback waiter-mare dreams. Rating: 8/10

Meals: Good breakfast, GF/DF macaroni, nutritious supper. Exercise: Worked out Core/ ABS.

Mood: Nervous my anxiety will get worse again.

Another day, another appointment. But on top of the usual nerves I was also excited. Because I was finally going to get some answers from the Behavioral Health Specialist.

It was a comforting experience, and of course as soon as I was in that safe space the tears came forth. This was the first time a professional sincerely listened and asked how the medication was treating me.

In truth I was struggling to distinguish regular stress from the side effects of the meds. There was overwhelm trying to juggle my personal life struggles and my mental health. Externally I was managing my brother in isolation, officially being laid off, and the stress of all my loved ones around me. I wanted to be there for everyone, but I couldn’t even be there for myself.

She agreed it was a lot to handle, but she had some good advice. My journaling was acknowledged as a healthy practice to see the bigger picture. Writing thoughts down helps us cope, by allowing the weight to shift off our shoulders and onto the page. Once its written problems are often out of our minds, or it forces us to see them from a different perspective.

The Specialist, however, recommended I focus less on effects of the medication and more on my internal feelings. She explained, the process was not supposed to be about “getting rid of the ADHD”, it was about allowing the experience to ease my stress. In hyper-focusing on my symptoms I was actually exasperating the feelings of anxiety and depression. It was advised I instead write about new habits by incorporating mindful practices. For example, adding yoga to my nighttime routine to feel well rested, eating consistent meals through the day to regulate hormones or finding an exercise to release pent up energy.

The specialist explained that internal pressures can induce burnout more quickly. Like New Year’s Resolutions, so many people have these goals to workout everyday or cut out junk food cold turkey. But when the expectations, insecurities, and obstacles pile up, we often crumble under the pressure. Its not always the fault of our own, but sometimes the quantity of changes.

It all came down to my hyper-focus again, like when I was obsessively self-caring at work. Daily I pushed myself to journal, meditate, do yoga, and eat healthy, all in the name of my mental health. But in reality I was just adding to the stress load with unrealistic expectations.

Some people learn better with small consistent lifestyle changes, with one thing at a time. Like only choosing either to journal once a day, work out 3 times a week, or to cut out a couple junk foods as a start. Once we get in the routine of one of these practices its much easier to add in the next, and over time these small steps add up to healthier lifestyles.

Reverting to my early fears, I expressed concern of whether the meds could make me worse, or more anxious. The Specialist said I was more likely feeling the effects of the medication doing its job. During treatment, underlying symptoms previously masked by ADHD, can surface and seem more pronounced. Although they are not actually heightened, it is a very valid feeling. My moodiness was always there under the radar, now I had the ability to face the issue head-on. Overtime both the ADHD and moods could be managed with mindfulness, coping mechanisms, and focused habits.

I couldn’t expect to take a couple meds and jump out of bed the next day feeling 100%. It takes a lot of time and commitment to feel at ease with our mental health, its a slow process. And adding negative self-talk and lofty expectations to the mix can do more harm than good. Instead of rushing and risking burnout, I need to take smaller steps that lead to longer lasting success.

As much as I wished medications would solve all my problems, they wouldn’t. Especially when I was doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, I think a certain genius called that insanity. The trick is to mix the meds with a healthy cocktail of coping strategies, mindfulness, and acceptance. We can’t change the core of our being, but we can learn to live with our faults, we’re only human after all.

I can’t cure my ADHD, but by accepting it as apart of me, I can ease the stress of this journey called life. But the world better look out! Because once we learn to wield rapid thoughts, abstract ideas, and hyper-focus to our advantage, this ADHD might just become something of a superpower.

Alexis Halloran,

Author of

The Nyctophilia Diaries

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a doctor. All content and information in this website is for informational and educational purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice. I strive to provide speculation on my own experiences, but if there are any discrepancies please tell us of such errors. The information provided here is not to be substituted for any kind of professional advice and you should not rely solely on this information. Always consult a professional in the area of your particular needs and circumstances prior to making any professional, legal, medical, financial, or tax related decisions.