December 14th, 2020

As more time has passed, important details from the Psychiatry appointment came back to me. Once I expressed that I was open to advice about taking meds, he told me extremely useful tips. The Doctor said, if I decided to go with medication, then it should be initiated in a safe and calm environment. Meaning that starting the meds before my 2 week work trip out of town, would have been a bad idea. So we agreed that I would see my GP once I was back from Valemount after the 20th.

He reminded me that I had to be assertive about what I required in this process. GP’s are good at what they do, but most do not specialize in mental health diagnosis and treatment. Often times, mental illnesses are misdiagnosed because we are categorized by our symptoms. People are diagnosed by the spurts of anxiety and depression, which can often be side effects of other psychiatric disorders. This doesn’t mean they aren’t also present, but first the ADHD or other disorder will have to be treated before the underlining patterns can be uncovered. Its always good to see a specialist in unison with our General Physicians.

If I started medication, he stated it was vital to get Psychological treatment. The medication can ease symptoms of ADHD but it does not equip an individual with necessary coping mechanisms and mental tools to succeed. Physicians coordinate/ manage primary patient care, Psychiatrists diagnose, and Psychologists specialize in the treatment approach. Psychologists can offer EMDR therapy(effective for PTSD), mindfulness practises(to build necessary tools), Cognitive behavioural Therapy(to help manage difficult behaviours) and many other healthy strategies that can only be developed with professional guidance.

There were also specifics to the dosing, sometimes patients are thrown into their max dose for ADHD meds. Mine for example, based on my age, weight and gender would be considered 36mg of Concerta once daily. I was instructed to take the lowest dose first, 18mg of Concerta, for two weeks to adjust to the meds. Then I could increase to the 27mg dose and after a few weeks again I could adjust to the 36mg. It’s possible that I wouldn’t notice any major effects until a few months after being on the proper dose. This needs to be a gradual monitored process, otherwise too much at once can be overwhelming and ineffective.

It has now been two weeks since the initial appointment, I’m half way through my work rotation, and I’ve been keeping a closer eye on my moods. With the GP appointment coming up, I knew it would be important to track my well being. I actually created this Mental Health Journal so that I could compare the changes of my brain before and after meds.

What I’m noticing, is that getting my ADHD diagnosis has made sense of my behaviours and made life more easeful. For example, last week I made my checklists as per usual, but was actually able to check everything off! I was more productive than ever, because I knew how to recognize my procrastinating habits. I was reminded that the ADHD made me think of one thousand things, but I tried to focus on what was most important. It took a few attempts but eventually I was able to get back on track more quickly. Even while meditating I could revert back to my breath from negative thoughts, because I now saw what the problem was. In the past I had scolded myself for being so unfocused, now it just made sense.

Where I saw the biggest difference was at the end of this week. I had been on top of the world, flying through tasks, assisting my boyfriend in his Lead Medic duties, and being a social butterfly. I zipped through my week at highway speeds, and then I slipped off course. That was when I felt the crash. Sunday was supposed to be my day off to finally sleep in and enjoy some recharge time. But after a week of fifteen daily tasks and overstimulation I was depleted. My mind woke me with anxious thoughts of every terrible trauma, insecurity and mistake I’d ever made. Every mood plagued me, from disgust to embarrassment, fear to grief, sadness to anger; they struck me like lightening one after the other, and then all at once.

My partner finally woke beside me and saw my distress, he attempted to rescue me by asking what was wrong. But my only safety had come in numbing my soul, so all I could say through the anguish was, “I don’t know.”

He asked “would you like some breakfast?” “I don’t know” I replied.

Then he pleaded, “Please, tell me what’s wrong.” But in truth I was uncertain, and through all that pain all I could say were those three monotoned words.

“I don’t know.”

Like he often does, he had the perfect thing to say, “well when you find out, let me know when you’re ready to talk, and I’ll be right here.” Then he hugged me for a while.

Finally he snuck away to salvage breakfast for us, from the mediocre cafeteria at work. When he got back I was able to string more words together. I explained that my thoughts were dark and overwhelmed with the usual stuff. He knew what I meant and didn’t push for anything further. Then it hit me, I had been in a constant state of hyperactivity this whole week, based on overcoming my ADHD, but now I needed time to recover.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have Sundays off like me and still had to lead a project but it showed that he didn’t want to leave my side. Sadly he had to, though agreed to return as quickly as possible. So he left and I relentlessly watched social media for the next two hours until the mood felt bearable. Then forced myself to shower and eat something. In true gentlemanly fashion, my Partner returned with my favourite treats and an endless supply of cuddles. Once I felt recharged again, I was able to continue on with enjoying my day.

The success in this story was being able to recognize that this mood was natural and out of my control. Once I convinced myself the negative thoughts were lies, caused by a stressful week, I allowed the recovery process instead of fighting it. Because resistance to having bad days actually extended my suffering in the past. I felt so accomplished this week for feeling that shit and letting it go.

I should add it would have been a very difficult feat without such a supportive partner. He gave me the reassurance I needed and a gentle reminder that he was there if I needed help. There were no exceptions, just love and support. I suggest everyone get themselves a partner like this, supportive figure, a friend or family member. Find that one person who will just listen and not give unsolicited advice. We all know those people, and I hate to admit I've been guilty of it. But the ones who can sit with our pain and love us through it, they’re worth keeping around. And they have gotten me through my most difficult days when I couldn’t do it alone.

Author of The Nyctophilia Diaries,

Alexis Halloran

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