January 7th, 2021

My highly anticipated appointment was today! I was a bundle of nerves but my boyfriend held the pieces of me together. I've always been intimidated by Doctor appointments, from a history of dismissiveness and condescending interactions. Even more so, I was afraid of seeking out a new doctor. I prepared for battle ready to fight for my necessities. But it wouldn't go as expected.

I arrived extra early, even so I knew it would be well after my appointed time that they called me. I had the regular check of my height, weight, blood pressure and then waited another half hour to see the doc in the exam room. I had to lay on that cold hard table, in a brittle gown, with my lanky legs shooting out the end, feeling incredibly vulnerable.

Once the Doc came she did her usual checks, "all seems to be good," she concluded. And then the pertinent question came, “do you have any family history?"

I asked, "mental health or physical," presuming it was related to my ADHD diagnosis, and we were finally getting somewhere.

But she said, "nope, just physical is fine."

I rattled off my family history of cancers and conditions, a bit confused. I handed her the floppy ECG my paramedic boyfriend obtained of me. After over an hour of waiting, she cleared me in less than five minutes, and returned with a prescription. Lastly she asked that empty ended question, typing distractedly at her tablet, "is there anything else you need?"

I managed to squeeze in, "could I get an appointment with the Behavioral Health Specialist on site?” She agreed and was gone before I could inhale my next breath.

After a brief consultation with the pharmacist, about side effects, I was sent on my way with 2 weeks worth of Concerta 18mg tablets. Luckily I had done my own research, because it was the most preparation I was going to get. I couldn’t help the weight of disappointment in my chest. I had built up an idea that since I was diagnosed with ADHD, I would be able to "fix" it. Though deep down I knew nothing was going to happen straight away, in fact my journey had only just begun.

*****

The next day, I woke bright and early ready to get a start on the day. A new routine scratched the back of my mind, but I brushed it off, feeling like it just wasn’t the right time. All morning I was somehow more hyperactive than usual, talkative and nervous, while trying to hop from one distracting task to another.

It was my boyfriend who asked around 10AM, “are you scared to take the new meds?”

It hadn’t occurred to me but it was blaringly obvious that I was terrified. Once those flood gates were open, there was no stopping. I realized the potential side effects worried me; anxiety, insomnia, and headaches that I already had. I was afraid the meds weren’t even going to work, but most terrible of all what if they made me worse?

I asked my partner, “what if the medication makes me more anxious than I already am?”

He replied matter-of-factly, “it could. Then you try it for a while and decide if its right for you or not. It may not have any effect, because it’s a very low dose after all. But in the end, that’s for you to decide.”

It was a good answer, a great one even. But I didn’t share my worst fear of all, what if I become terrible and make your life a living hell?

The first day he was right, I didn’t feel much of a difference. However I began to scrutinize my life style down to the tiniest reactions. I noticed for the first time, that I was emotionally crashing in the early afternoon, and was overcome with agitation.

Of course besides the side-effects of the meds there was a lot to be uncertain of, in the era of the pandemic. We had recently discovered that my brother contracted Covid-19, my job was further postponed, and there were rumors layoffs could be occurring soon. My partner tried to get me off my butt to do some cheery things as a distraction, but I still felt exhausted and moody the whole way through.

Later that evening I made a huge mistake without knowing the consequence. With my mood being so low I thought a bite of an edible could assist in brightening my spirits. Boy was I wrong, though I felt like I was having fun for about an hour, the entire next day felt like the worst depressive episode since my preteen hormonal days. Before this I never connected my moods back to substances.

I even quit drinking alcohol for a time because I realized the chemical dependance my brain had on it. There were also other factors like social anxiety and euphoria, but overall the reliance was there. And I knew then, I never wanted to feel that I could only be an intellectual with the help of liquid courage. Relying on liquor as a loyal friend is like pouring all your emotional intelligence into a tea cup. Something is going to crack and in this case it was me.

Once I managed to cut my big bad Ex(alcohol) out of the picture, my interactions became more intentional and meaningful. I even met the love of my life during this time, because I let myself be unapologetically me and allowed my faults to be seen. Because its our vulnerabilities that make us most lovable after all.

Now I know that substances have always been an issue for me, including alcohol, drugs, and even sugar(as my closest friends know I'm a snack fiend). All these things can give me that short impulsive rush of dopamine, but the comedown extends far worse than its worth.

My body has cravings for a dopamine high that it can’t naturally produce, but with ADHD meds I can learn to replicate a natural chemical release. Hopefully with time I find a more consistent emotional balance without all the extreme highs and lows. But for now, I know a natural euphoria is far more satisfying than any substance high could induce.

Alexis Halloran,

Author of

The Nyctophilia Diaries

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a doctor. All content and information in this website is for informational and educational purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice. I strive to provide speculation on my own experiences, to offer new perspectives to readers. If there are any discrepancies please tell us of such errors. The information provided here is not to be substituted for any kind of professional advice and you should not rely solely on this information. Always consult a professional in the area of your particular needs and circumstances prior to making any professional, legal, medical, financial, or tax related decisions.