December 1st, 2020

Today I went to a psychiatrist for the first time and my life was changed forever. It was nothing like I expected. I walked in jittery, nervous as hell, and my heart nearly leapt from my throat. When I saw the Psychiatrist I had to hold my sweaty palms together to keep them from shaking. I sat in the socially distanced chair 2 meters away and thought, oh god this is going be so awkward. But the Doctor was kind and he had a charming presence that made the room feel safe. He was good at what he did, and would close that distance with empathy and understanding.

We started off straight in the deep end, which is how I like it. Why waste time on small talk when we can get right to the details. He asked, “what brought you here today?”

When a professional lends an ear, all I want is to open the flood gates of all my emotion and conflict trapped inside me. But I didn’t really know how to explain it. So all I got out, choking back tears, was, “I just feel like some days I can’t control my emotions.” And instead of this being a dead end, like I thought, the Doctor guided the appointment in the right direction.

He was consoling and told me it would make sense soon. The Doc then typed on his computer and said, “I’m going to ask you some questions, that you only have to reply with yes or no. Now this might seem freaky, but I may start to sound a little psychic.”

I thought, ok lets see him try.

“Are you usually the loudest in the room?” “Yes.”

“Do you find you’re a fairly open person?” “Yes.”

“Did you ever shoplift as a child?” “Sadly yes.”

“Have you ever had troubles with organization, time management, short or long term memory loss?” “Yes, yes, and yes.”

It was kind of creepy, but it got deeper.

“Is your family similar; big talkers, unable to sit still, fidgety?” “Yes”

“Does anyone have impulse control issues: drugs, alcohol, moods, gambling, following the ‘gut’, or being very spontaneous?” “Absolutely.”

After gathering my questionnaires the Doctor gave a pleasant look of understanding, “the reason I know these things, is because you fit into a very specific category. You check all the boxes for one specific mental illness, do you want to take a guess at which one it is?”

And I knew before he said more, we answered together, “ADHD.” It hadn’t been something I identified with in the past because I thought it too extreme for me. But I knew I had tendencies.

The Doctor explained that people with ADHD have a brain that goes twice as fast as the average person. The mind sends off signals so quickly, that the body can barely keep up. Thats why these individuals are fidgety, unable to sit still for long periods, and lose track of things easily. The brain has a hard time monitoring all that passes through it. Someone with ADHD can actually shorten their life span by 4 years just from the demand it has on the body.

To calm a hyper stimulated mind it actually takes other stimulants. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. This makes sense because the stimulants increase the availability of necessary chemicals, thus making the pathways of the brain work more effectively. They do not cure ADHD, rather they reduce symptoms as long as the medication is in the system. He said it can take more time to get drunk, with this mental illness, because of a higher threshold. Sadly, this is also why many undiagnosed people, self medicate with drugs and alcohol to mask symptoms.

I thought of my family again, the high alcohol tolerance, unchecked moods, and high emotions. Every family gathering I could think of, we were all competing for the spotlight, yelling over each other and bouncing hyperactively between topics. For an outsider, it would have been quite hysterical to follow the flip-flopping monologues. My mom and I used to confide that our thinking was so boundless and rapid that no one else could possibly have minds like us. But they do exist, and there is a whole category of people just like us.

Every detail the Doctor unravelled felt like he brought answers to all my insecurities and doubts of my past. Before I would spiral with self-hatred for being so unproductive and unfocused, but it was an imbalance in my brain that hindered me. I used to fear that my weekly breakdowns meant there was something wrong with me, but I simply had burnt out after a busy week and there were no “happy” hormones left. Or how mad I got at myself for getting trapped in negative thoughts when trying to be social, and felt I couldn’t get past a road block of doubt. It turns out it all relates to untreated symptoms of ADHD.

My brain was compared to a Ferrari, and the average person is a Toyota. My brain is going at highway speeds at all times, but when we get off track in the slightest, it can send us careening out of control. Then our systems become unstable and we can burnout from the constant speeds.

But there are strengths too, like working under pressure. Since my body is always working fast, placing it in a high stress environments actually feels normal. As a Paramedic I feel calm in dire situations because it finally matched my constant intensity. I drew a diagram to make sense of this concept:

Unfortunately this makes it difficult for us to relax. Its nearly impossible some days to calm a hyper-stimulated mind to match slow paced environments. So our mind is really good at producing “feel good” hormones under stress- last minute deadlines, bad time management or emergency situations- but we have difficulty producing them without added pressure.

After all this revolutionary information there were still anxieties that plagued my mind. And the Doc would answer with considerate deliberation.

“What if I become reliant on the medication?”

The doc mentioned the medication is expelled from the body within 24 hours, so its actually considered non-addictive. There’s a stigma around mental health medications, he said, but does anyone ever tell a person with high blood pressure that they’re addicted to their meds? No, so why do we do this with mental health?

I asked other burning questions all at once, “so you say this medication can calm me and bring me to a normal pace. Well then, what if I cant be a paramedic anymore? What if I'm not me?” I dreaded the answer.

It was tough to hear. He said that I had molded my entire life around ADHD, which was why I gravitated towards a high stress lifestyle. It was up to me now to decided if that life was something I still wanted. Was it manageable? We both knew the answer was no, which was why I was in that office in the first place. Yes, the medication could bring out a new me, but it could also bring out a realer version of me, unhindered by overwhelming symptoms. Perhaps I would decide to give up EMS and find something less stressful that I loved doing more. Perhaps I wanted to be a writer instead. That was a decision I had to make, and one everyone has to make for themselves.

In no way did the Doctor try to influence my choice, he told me to take my time deciding which route was best for me. He gave me tips and tricks to navigate the process in a safe and healthy way. And he also reminded me that nothing was permanent, if I chose to try medication, I could always stop at any time.

The pieces were finally coming together. It made sense that I felt exhausted by so few tasks and couldn’t remain focused for long. Or why I cut people off, too hastily in conversation, and felt overwhelmed by social interactions. I wasn’t lazy, stupid or mean like I thought for so long, it was just ADHD. This diagnosis isn’t an instant cure to all my problems, it just gives me security understanding what’s been wrong all along. I thought maybe I would be diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but its possible ADHD was the cause of these terrible moods. Now I can build the tools to help make life more fulfilling.

Suddenly every one of my uncertainties and personal struggles had been made clear. I felt like the answers to my troubles were locked away for the last 25 years of life and the psychiatrist just handed me the key. I walked out of that clinic feeling better than I ever have, I really felt relief for the first time. Actually believing it for once, I thought, it’s going to be ok.

Author of the Nyctophilia Diaries,

Alexis Halloran

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