Acknowledgements

My Oma used to say, “life is the hardest thing we ever have to do.” This quote used to aggravate me to no end, “life is the only thing we ever do,” I argued. But time would work its meaning out to me eventually.

A dragon awakens inside me out of a stagnant unfulfilling life. It has been cultivating a raging fire for many years, one that now thirsts for transformation. That driving force was propelled by select individuals in my life, I’d like to acknowledge them now, for aiding in my evolution.

First I’d like to thank the naysayers or, as I like to call them, the pessimists. The ones who look at life and choose to see the lumps and bumps in the road, instead of the blessings of the journey.

In elementary school I severely struggled, mainly due to unregulated symptoms of ADHD. At the time, I hadn’t been diagnosed yet, so my perception was based on those around me. I was told I was attention seeking, unfocused, lazy, disruptive, and obnoxious. My teacher said, my learning was delayed compared to other kids my age, and my tendencies were holding me back. When I misbehaved she threatened me in front of the class, saying I wouldn’t amount to anything for the way I was, it made me feel stupid and incapable. One day, pushed to breaking point, the teacher burst out that I should get checked for ADHD, and not in a pleasant way. Though these were traumatic years I must thank my grade 6 teacher, obviously she was the first to recognize I needed a diagnosis, unfortunately that wouldn’t come for another thirteen years though. But because of her, that twelve-year-old promised in rebellion, they would make something of themselves.

Growing up I was like any other kid, I aspired to change the world. After watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” my friend and I presented a diorama of the melting ice caps, and how to save the Polar Bears. Heaven sakes, I even tried to write the eighth book of Narnia, without reading the first seven. I strove to be a Marine Biologist, then an actress, and then an air rescue pilot. But eventually I realized I wanted to be the one doing the rescuing, so I settled on Air Paramedicine.

Since the early days, stacks of journals filled my shelves, analyzing revolutions of the human mind and personal epiphanies. The few times I shared my aspirations, I was told I would make little difference. Burnt-out adults echoed, “I used to be just like you, I always wanted to change the world. But then when I got older I realized the biggest difference I could make was in myself.” Of course I've learned we have to mend ourselves before we can heal anyone else, but all I heard was “you can’t make any difference.” So I must thank those people, if not for their doubts, I would never have spent every waking minute journaling, trying to find ways to better myself first and how to overcome a resistance to change.

I earned my PCP licence in 2017 and started working as soon as I could. In my short career, rotating between positions and units, I met a lot of people. My way of evoking deep conversation only solidified my notion, that there is a lot of unresolved trauma in the world. But I saw more PTSD in the Medical Industry than anywhere else, and its taboo here. If you talk about your struggles, people don’t think you can handle the job, or worse you feel guilty for being upset because it’s not your emergency. I want the system to treat emotional pain as sincerely as physical. If you break a leg everyone sends you to the hospital, but if your brain hurts nobody wants to talk about it. Lending an ear offers temporary relief, but so many are unwilling to seek further help. It saddens me that there’s a greater consensus to stomach and bare emotional turmoil, because, “that’s just the way things are, there’s no other solution, and we can’t force change.” Indifference will sustain a broken system, when the problem really needs fixing. I am grateful, however, to be aware of this psychological destitution, because it motivates me to find a solution to the systemic issue, and I’m going to improve society’s wellbeing.

I faced my own obstacles over the years, some battles I chose to face alone and others I learned when to ask for help. It took until my twenties and a supportive partner before I finally sought therapy. This would be no cake-walk either. My psychiatrist was incredible and gave me the key to unlocking my abilities with a diagnosis. But the Behavioral Health Specialist could only offer resources I had already practiced for years; meditation, exercise, and journaling. The first therapist repeated, “you’re young, these things seem like a huge deal now, but it gets easier with age.” The second one told me, “you won’t always have the confidence you do now, your good looks, or the same opportunities when you’re older. You need to take advantage of them now, because you’ll have regrets later.” I never want to be like them, I never want to feel insignificant, or give up because I’m past my expiry date. I want to feel empowered now and with age by the wisdom I gained, not hindered by it. So I must also thank the mental health experts, because they made me realize I want to become a Psychologist.

Finally, I’d like to acknowledge the ones who fought, with spear and shield, at my side. Thanks to those, who told me all the things I didn’t want to hear and poured into my cup when it ran empty. Without you, I would never have been able to overcome the harsh words of my past or twist them into motivations. Of course, there might also be people rooting for me in the sidelines, and you are duly noted. I am grateful for any smile, nod or silent applause. I cherish every ounce of support, without it I would have left my neverland and outgrown the courage to dream many years ago. But there are other “lost boys” like me out there, and the fact that we are still fighting proves we will do exactly what everyone said we couldn’t. We’re the ones who will change the world.

There are many forces at play that would happily suck us into an endless pit of despair, but we must work hard to overcome. Some of the happiest people are the ones with little possessions and the greatest hardships. I think it’s easier to give up, fall into negativity, and say the world has nothing more to offer. We shouldn’t quit just because we’re not what we once were or we’ve settled and become indifferent. It’s much harder to look past the trials and tribulations of society and say, “I’m going to be optimistic anyway.” If my suffering is between my demons, and the hard work at overcoming them, I choose the long road with the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that mental illness is valid, but its our responsibility to put in every effort to give ourselves a fighting chance. Mental health is not a choice, but surrendering the fight is.

The quote my Oma recited might have many different meanings, but to me it reads: Life is the hardest thing we ever have to do, but fulfillment is decided by how we choose to see the path.

Written by,

Alexis Halloran

Author of

The Nyctophilia Diaries